Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Well My Mama Told Me, My Papa Told Me Too (Noah Lewis - "Big Railroad Blues")



Well, our sixteen year old just received her G1 Driver’s License or in America, she just received her Driver’s Permit. Of course on the day she passed her written test, her mother and I congratulated her. Her mom told her how proud she was of her. However, I was a bit more understated about praising and congratulating her. I knew that I was the one who would take her driving in between driving lessons with a certified driving instructor. As we drove home, I asked if she wanted to drive in a nearby empty parking lot. She enthusiastically said yes. We arrived at the parking lot, switched seats and she sat in the driver’s seat while tightly gripping the wheel. Then I gave her the talk, a talk that I am sure my father gave me. Driving is an enormous responsibility, it is a weapon that can kill people. I piled it on and explained that her behavior would demonstrate if she was ready to handle that kind of responsibility. As a parent, I had tremendous leverage. If she wanted me to take her driving, there wouldn’t be the typical teenage attitude and fresh mouth that drives me and my wife crazy. If she wanted to drive, would have to be more responsible regarding caring for her room, household chores and how she spoke to her parents and sibling. If she wanted me to take her driving, there would be minimal teenage rebelliousness. I am not quite sure my plan is working out the way I anticipated.
This Shabbat, we read Parsha Ki Teitzeh. Moshe teaches us the laws concerning war, creating an environment for soldiers to behave as honorably as possible. We learn that everyone, whether “loved” or “hated” has rights under the law as well as entitlements. We learn that every one of us is responsible for the other. If we see something that has been lost by our neighbor then we pick it up and return it. Moshe re-iterates that human relationships can either be holy, between a husband and wife, and between parents and children or unholy by crossing the boundaries of those relationships. Moshe reminds the people that children will not be punished for the sins of their parents, nor will parents be punished as a result of their children. In such a situation there would be no need to add punishment since the parents of the child or the children of the parent would be punished enough just having been touch by the situation. Essentially this morning’s Parsha is all about human relationships designed to maintain individual holiness as well as communal holiness.
            So it is troubling that we are confronted with one of the most controversial commandments of the Torah. Ki Yiheyeh L’Ish Bein Sorer U’Moreh Einenu Shomeiah B’kol Aviv U’vkol Imo, If a man will have a wayward and rebellious son, who does not hearken to the voice of his father and the voice of his mother V’Yisru Oto v’Lo Yishmah Aleihem and they discipline him, but he does not hearken to them, then his father and mother shall grasp him and take him out to the elders of his city and the gate of his place. They shall say to the elders of the city, B’Neinu zeh Sorer U MorehThis son of ours is wayward and rebellious, he does not hearken to our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.” All the men of his city shall pelt him with stones and he shall die; U’viarta HaRah Mikirbecha and you shall remove the evil from your midst (Deut. 21:18-21). The literal meaning of the verses suggests that in the extreme case of an evil child who is beyond help, continues to cling to evil the ways while  the rest of the community clings to holiness, such a child must be eliminated. However, we understand that somethings in the Torah are not to be understood literally. For the Talmudic sages, this was one of those cases.
The Talmud makes the point that “there never was nor will there ever be” a child to be put to death based upon this law. Rashi, the 11th century Northern French commentator, explains these verses in two ways. First, Rashi clarifies and quantifies the Zoleil v’Soveiglutton and guzzler as Yochal Tateimar Basar V’Yishteh Chatzi Log Yayin – as one who eats 8oz. of meat in one or two bites and drinks between 12-21 fluid ounces in a single gulp and Ad Yignov and will steal to support his habit. Second, Rashi explains that this rebellious son must be warned twice that his behavior is in opposition to Halacha (Jewish Law). Otherwise the Rebellious son is not liable for punishment. In his comment, Rashi implicitly suggests what the Talmud explicitly teaches. Neither Moshe, or the Talmudic sages could imagine a child purposefully ignoring his parents and begin thieving, drinking, doing drugs, or demonstrating gluttonous behavior, that is to say, doing too much of whatever they want without regard for anything or anyone. Moshe, in his re-iteration of the Torah, teaches that the parents are the responsible. It is their obligation to bring the child to the Bet Din (the court), and when the parents can no longer live up to that obligation, then society must take over. The question becomes how does a child become a Sorer U’Moreh? Children are not born wayward nor rebellious. Children are not born gluttonous and drunk. There may be a genetic disposition to obsessive compulsive behavior or addiction, but before a child becomes an adult and responsible for him/herself, the parents bear a responsibility for the social and emotional development of that child.
No, none of our children are like Ben Sorer U’Moreh- the gluttonous rebellious son. Although they strike me as a bit gluttonous when it comes to use of their phones and IPods. Yes, sometimes it feels like a never ending fight to make sure that we enforce our household rules, rules which are designed to prevent them from becoming Sorer U’Moreh. As we watch our daughter negotiate the landscape with this added leverage/desire to drive; she has started to see our wisdom and appreciate our methods. She has started to understand that our rules and our talks are a result of our concern with the type of person she might or might not become rather than what she is. As I sit in the passenger seat, and she adjusts the seat and mirrors, presses down on the break and begins to shift gears, she looks over at me and thanks me for all the rules, for the high expectations, for the instilling in her a sense of responsibility as well as consequences for her behavior. Then she turns to look straight ahead and begins to slowly drive as she has a look on her face that recognizes the fact that there is several tons of responsibility in her hands.
Peace,
Rav Yitz

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